Soup

I thought things were going 'pretty well' but perhaps not. When you make yourself some soup, and then you can't find the soup, it's a pretty good indicator that things aren't going all that well.

If

If I weren't here, in the basement, not doing as well as expected today, I would love to be at any one of the locations below.

Pink...always pink!
Tea Anyone?

I could stare at this for hours, and oh the many times I've used this house and gardens for the background of my fantasy.

Pink, white, and lace...Could there be anything more comforting to the heart?
Confession... This is just precious and inviting, but I'm so afraid

of bugs that I would never actually sit there and drink tea!!!This reminds me so much of my Aunt Carolyn and her home in rural Indiana.

It wasn't a castle, or even very pretty, But is could be charming. Aunt

Carolyn would collect a hand full of lilacs and put them in some odd

cup or milk bottle and the house would smell of Lilac perfume for days.

There is always beauty in simplicity!!!

Papa's birthday

Dear Darien,

This is Papa and Jan asked me to write this post. What a pleasure for me to do it. You were so precious in a special moment yesterday on my 85th birthday. You came here at noon. I was not home because I had run an errand for Nana who was terribly busy preparing for the big birthday party in the evening. And so, I came into the house when you were already here. You came running to me and said in a strong voice, "Happy Birthday Papa" two or three times at least. Then you wrapped her arms around me in a big hug. Because it happened so much on schedule so to speak, I suspected that you had been coached. Not so!! Nobody had even remotely suggested it. It was spontaneous, and my heart melted. You are one of life's special treasures. I love you.

Papa

Jan's struggle

This is Papa again, with an observation on Jan's struggle. The terrible migraines of the past several months have been a real trial for her, indeed for all of us, especially Nana and me, as we have the responsibility of responding judiciously to her medication needs. She wanted to be at the birthday party last evening but once again had a severe migraine headache. We knew that I would soon be absorbed in a special occasion with great friends. She does not have direct access to her strong medication, morphine, because of the obvious concerns of dependency and potential addiction. But fearing that she would suffer an unbearable episode, she asked that I leave some morphine pills with her for the evening. And so I left with her three pills which is enough for a severe attack. The obvious potential concern was that she might give in too readily to the comfort of a mind numbing drug.

Indeed I did neglect her through the evening. I checked on her at midnight and she was asleep. I didn't know whether or not the relaxation was drug induced, or she had won. When I checked on her this morning, she still had a headache, but she pointed me to the three pills lying on the window sill next to her recliner. She had toughed it out, worked through it, and had not taken the medicine. She is trying as hard as she can to overcome the stresses which are a factor and to manage the headache itself. It has been a terrible trial, and sometimes is quite discouraging, but she is still hanging in there, trying as hard as she can to win. With that kind of effort, I am still optimistic. I am proud of her; she has consistently fought hard against any possibillity of becoming dependent on the drugs. We are hoping that if we can get the migraines under control, she can resume as normal a life as she can under the circumstances of her other major illnesses. She well knows that it is important not only for her, but also for the little angel Darien in whose young life Jan is such an important figure---and for us, Janelle, Nana and me, and for others.

Papa

SOOOOOO PROUD!!

This is Nana (Johnny). Jan asked me to report on Darien’s trip to get her second flu shot. Last Thursday, because Jan was too ill, Papa and I took Darien to get the dreaded shot. I had a rock in my stomach all day remembering her ordeal with the first one. I’m happy to say that all went well and that she presented a maturity beyond her mere 3.5 years.

To Darien,
Nana and Papa are so very proud of you. As we pulled into the parking lot, you knew instantly where we were, as you always do wherever we go. You said “this is where I get my flu shot”. I replied in the affirmative and you immediately cried out “but I’m not getting a flu shot”. I had to tell you that you were going to get you second, and last, flu shot. You cried for a couple minutes but by the time I got you out of your seat it was over. You were tentative but resigned as Papa carried you into the building. As we approached the front door you let us know that we were to go upstairs and also that you would push the buttons to get us into the two front doors. We checked in and sat down to wait for the nurse to call us. You immediately got into my purse to get a pen and my little notebook. For the next 10-15 minutes you entertained everyone in the room with your delightful chatter. You talked and laughed, drew pictures, sat here, there and everywhere; at one point you said “they will call us in 8 seconds” then went back to your play. You knew it was coming but you didn’t let it spoil your good time.

The nurse called us in and took us to a tiny room. I sat in the chair and was in the process of positioning you when the nurse said that she would give the injection in your thigh. I told her that we had a bad experience last time and that it was to be given in your arm. I held you tight, chest to chest, but you were determined to watch so I could not get your head turned away. As the syringe approached your arm you cried out “don’t do it, don’t do it”. It was over in a flash, you cried ever so little, then chose a couple of fun stickers from their stash as if it never happened. I knew it was still sore but you were a trooper and it made our day to see such maturity in our little girl. On the way to the elevator, you reminded me that I said you could take a blue mask from the plastic case on the wall. You accidentally got two and immediately said one of them was for Jan. You put it on and wore it home to our house. It almost covered your entire face. Downstairs, you got into Jan’s lap and gave one to her. It made Jan smile to hear how smoothly it went and how much like a big girl you were.

Our precious Darien, it hurt Jan to not be the one to take you and hold you while you got your shot. She knew you were in good hands but she wanted you to be in HER hands. I hope that you will always remember your great Aunt Jan, how much she loves you now and how much she will always love you. I hope, also, that you will remember how much we all love you.

Farewell To A Dear Friend

A couple days ago I had to 'put down' my darling precious cat, Tasha. She is 11 1/2 years old. I adopted her when she was just 6 months old. to be continued...

No...Tasha's tail is not that long. Josie is under that blanket with her tail out. I thought it was funny when I saw how it looked.

I loved her with all my heart and shall miss her terribly...especially her sleeping beside me, her calls to get me to bed at night and her wake up calls at too early in the morning. Tasha was so shy that most people didn't know that 2 cats lived here. She was such a blessing to me. I'm grate full for having had her in my life.

News Flash, Yesterday was a wonderful day!!!

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I didn't see Darien. I didn't even leave the house or get dressed. So, why was it wonderful you might ask...well, I'll tell you. Dad and I did our exercise routine twice. Dad is helping me gain my strength back (isn't he just wonderful). The whole routine takes about 3 - 4 minutes so it's very way back to the beginning of being active again, but it helps. Also, I did a couple chores. I made my bed and straightened some papers in my room. That's enough to put me down the rest of the day, but I still had a bit of energy. THEN...I fainted twice last early evening. One was just a dead fall backwards onto the back of my head, and we're not sure about the other one, but I was somehow scrunched up in a door frame. THAT...was followed by a full blown panic attack and onset of a migraine.

Here it comes!!! The wonderful part is that I got through it. I used therapy techniques, prayer, and sheer determination to over come it all WITHOUT narcotic medication, which leaves me in a terrible state. It's a medication hangover that puts me in a terrible way for days and days.

My head hurts this morning, I feel like I've been hit by a truck, but I'm smiling. Give thanks in all things. I give thanks for the support of my father (Papa), my Heavenly Father (Always), Craig (my therapist and friend who for many years taught me techniques that still bless my life), and of course Nana, who care for me like I was her own...day in and day out!

Yesterday was a wonderful day!!!

In Between

Hi Darien... we haven't seen much of each other lately. I miss you.

I feel like I'm living in a haze between life and death.

Thank you for providing me the strength I need to keep fighting

for life. I surely would have given up by now if not for you.

My everlasting love,

Jan

PS... Thank you Kris. I didn't know until just this morning.

It made me cry. I love you so much!!!

Hi Everyone! This is Kris writing for Jan. She has had a difficult week. Thank goodness for medicine. Migraine headaches haunt Jan daily. Please continue to keep her in your prayers. Knowing that so many people really do care for her means more than you know. Even through the difficult times she never fails to find God's hand in her life. She is an inspiration to me. I love her so much. Thank you for loving her too.

Happy Pumpkin Day

We haven't talked fashion for quite some time but I feel the need to revisit! This little combination of styles was quite shocking. Now I follow a philosophy that says 'say yes to children as much as you possibly can, but when you say no...it's NO'. I wanted her to wear something different, as did Nana, but it wasn't worth a fight so this is her very personal and proud fashion statement.

Lets start at the bottom. She has on brown and pink tennis shoes, and green socks with spider webs on them, and then black leggings with Halloween scenes on them. OK...not that bad...this just may work. But then came a blue denim skirt with cowboy red bandanna below the denim. In the back is a big white bow where the denim and bandanna meet.

We got her to wear the shirt that goes with the pants which was then covered by a purple hoodie covered with heart rainbows. All of this is accompanied by a pale pink knit purse with tiny rhinestones on it, and it was full of quarters which she would not spend.

At lunch Darien and I each had a bag of potato chips. Nana asked Darien for a potato chip and Darien said yes, put her hand in my bag and pulled out a chip and gave it to Nana. Sharing is a tough one for Darien...but we're working on it!!!

Things Are Changing My Darling Darien

This is Darien's darling imitation of a monster. This picture was taken some time last week probably, but I'm not sure. Anyway, one day Darien and Nana were taking me to a doctor appointment, and there was a miscommunication...no appointment, so on a whim we decided to go to the fall festival that we had enjoyed so much the year before. I sat on benches and watched mostly, but it was just fabulous to have shared this with her. I'll do another post on this soon, but for now onto more pressing matters.

So I don't want to over dramatize this, and I don't want to under dramatize this, so I'll try to keep it pretty much in the middle. Apparently I'm transitioning into a phase (short or long termed I'm not sure) where my heart is giving me troubles. Since last week I've had 7 incidents when my heart would either beat erratically, or the beat would be very shallow. It was SO amazing to have a doctor in the house that could match the symptoms to the reasons right there on the spot. I very nearly fainted each time. Papa would be taking my pulse and I would say I thought I was going to lose consciousness and that would coincide with the weak or erratic heartbeat.

The most dramatic episode happened last night. I was half way up the stairs when I felt the effects of fainting come upon me. I got lost in space... I reached for the handrail forgetting I was carrying dishes and I dropped and broke the dishes and fell onto the stairs. Nana came to my aide, but the symptoms were worsening so she when to get Papa and I tried to get off the stairs. I ended up falling to the ground from the bottom stair. I never lost consciousness, but there again was the heartbeat that was irregular.

Darien, I'm no longer 'allowed' to carry you up or down the stairs, and I'm no longer 'allowed' to carry dishes up or down the stairs, and it feels to me like we are moving into a 'life change'. I've already quit driving with you in the car. I guess I'm sort of secretly torn up about these little losses, and they are losses. I'm feeling shy about being in public. Dad and I were in Kinkos for 10 minutes and I had to go down to the ground or faint. Luckily no one saw, and dad shielded me, and it passed, but oh, I don't know. Makes me feel really sad. I hope there won't be anymore changes for a little while at least. I love you so!

A.K.A. (Also Known As)

This darling picture of Darien was taken last week when she had a 24 hour bug. As you can see, the bug had packed up and was on his way out the back door, but we indulged her anyway. Here she is with all the things she asked us to gather for her. She sat in that spot, surrounded by her favorite things, most of the day, and at nap time, she pushed a couple things aside and slept in the middle of it...

Anyway, I was thinking of all the names I call you... Nana and Papa usually just call you Darien. Your mom calls you 'knuckles' sometimes... And, when you are asked what your name is, you never say Darien, you always say, "My name is Caitlinn C.", which is your middle and last name.

So I thought I would make a list of the names I call you... Cutie Pie, Cutie Patootie, Sweetheart, Sweetie, Pumpkin, Baby Goo Goo, Darry Carry, Puddin, Baby Cakes, Poodie Woodie, Baby Girl, Love, My Little Love, Madame Librarian (you have to be old enough to know the reference to The Music Man), Angel Face, Honey Bunny, Pretty Girl, Miss Darien, and Little Miss. That's all I can think of at the moment. I'm sure there are more...but you, little darling (there's another one), seem to answer to anything I call you, and I would say I think you like all the nick names. Love you sweetie Pie (there's another one!!!).

Small confession: The other day Darien and Nana and I were in Walgreens waiting in line for me to get my flu shot. Darien was completely out of sorts and repeatedly knocked the shopping cart into my knees (I was sitting down). So, you know how we all baby talk to babies (She's a pretty girl, yes she it, yes she is)...like that. Well, in that baby talk tone I said to Darien, "Well you're just being a little poop aren't you, yes you are!" I thought she would think it was funny since poop is one of her favorite words at the moment. Well, her face scrunched up and in a darling little you've injured me voice she said, "DON'T CALL ME POOP!" Well, everyone in the store that was within hearing distance turned and gave me a dirty look and I felt so terrible. I apologized to Darien and promised to never do it again. I apologized profusely. Yikes!!!!!

A Play and A Prayer

I want to start by saying that I've missed visiting with you on your blogs these last few weeks. The good news is that I'm doing better these last couple days. The bad news is that taking into account that I'm doing better, I'm still worse than ever before. However, I thank you for your prayers. Thanks to my dear blog friends for stopping by to wish me well. I'm grateful to all of you and for the fact that I can once again do the simple things...like type and work a remote control...I'm truly blessed!What a blessing this DVD has been. Darien would watch it everyday if we let her, and since we enjoy it too, sometimes we do. When Darien prays she often asks Heavily Father to bless Joseph.

So that was the 'play' and now for the prayer. Darien I will try my best to recount accurately the prayer you gave today at nap time. It was a wonder...

"Dear Heavily Father:

Thank you for this day, thank you that I got to go to Jana's (part time babysitter) house. Thank you that I got to play with Emily and Tanner (Jana's children). Thank you for preschool. Thank you that I got to go to preschool today. Thank you for field trips. Thank you that I got to go on a field trip today. Thank you that Emily went on the field trip. Thank you for my pumpkin from my field trip. Thank you that I got to come to Nana's house (here). Thank you that Nana was home. Thank you that Papa gets me (wrestles). That you that Papa doesn't get me! Thank you for Jan's bed. Thank you that we nap in Jan's bed. Thank you that Jan knows stories about monsters. Thank you for saving me from the monsters. Thank you that I could live in Jan's yard if I wanted to. Thank you that we get to have pizza tonight for dinner, but I want macanoni and hot gogs and green peas and catchup and a fork (Darien is always thorough). Thank you that Grandma Kris lives in California. Thank you for my dress. Thank you for all the places I go. Thank you that sometimes I don't go anywhere. Thank you for cats and dogs, but not black ones. Thank you that Jana is going to have a baby. Thank you for my baby sister (she doesn't have one). Thank you when I forget to thank you. Thank you for Jana can have a new house (they've made an offer). I'm going to miss Jan if you take her to heaven because I don't want to go to heaven. I want to go home when mommy gets here (long story for another time). Heavily Father, have a good father's day. AMEN!"

Happy October to All

Just a friendly reminder...Don't give pumpkins alcohol...
Instead...Have a Happy October!!!

Sorry for the confusion!!!

Sorry about this. I've been ill and unable to master typing, TV remotes, telephones, etc. I'm finally getting my feet under me. For reference, my father asked me a few mornings ago if I had a good night sleep and I answered that it wasn't nice because 'they' were throwing Barbie parts at me. So you can see that my mind has been a bit scrambled. I've worked 2 days on this little post and I think it's right now so here it goes!!

These Things Tickle Me

Short and Sweet, here are some things that tickle my heart:

I can rarely pick a favorite pink house but I'm pretty sure if push came to shove it would be the middle row, far right. These pink home tickle me!

Scones and/or anything associated with a Tea Party makes me smile, then frown, and eventually smile again...
Oh what a comfort this is when I'm going through my day and it seems like everything that could go wrong, IS going wrong, and I remember that He loves me, and then my day changes. That always puts a smile on my face.

Darien is an oh so wonderful gasper. It can still scare me if I'm not in tune with her to know why she is gasping. She's so darling and dramatic. And, here we are back at tea again. When I quit smoking all I could think about was going to tea to quench my needs. Thankfully I was successful at quitting smoking, but I'm way behind in going to teas.My fantasy tea party. That is Lura on the left and Kris on the right and I'm talking the photo. Can't you just see us...so open and honest (like a child), so beautifully dressed to match the lovely occasion, and an atmosphere for ladies of a gentler time in life.

Hope you have a wonderful week!!!

Jan

What?

Dear Darling Darien: This is the story of today's nap time. For reference, our nap time routine goes like this...1. Story Time. I always tell you a bedtime story in which you are the star, and there is a monster trying to get you. You always get away in the nick of time! 2. We play a game. It's not the same game, and in fact the game we played today we have never played before. Today, there was an imaginary line down the middle of the bed...one side was yours, one side was mine. Anything that crossed the line could be captured. And so, I was gathering arms and pig tails and legs, and you were awash in giggles, when you stopped rather abruptly and said, "I'm going to miss you!" I was startled, and asked, "What?" You then folded your arms (Part 3 of our routine) and said, "Dear Heavily Father, Thank you for this day that I got to go to Jana's and thank you that I got to go to High School (Pre School) and thank you that I get to come back here tomorrow! Name of Jesus Christ, Amen!" You opened your eyes, pointed your finger at my nose and said, "Now you!" I offered a prayer of thanksgiving for the time Darien and I have together, and after the amens, she said, "Now let's sleep (Part 4)!" And we did!

I'm not sure what you meant when you said you would miss me. I only know it hit my heart like a punch to the chest, and then my heart melted!

You Make Me Smile

It's Saturday evening about 10 pm and I'm having a rare moment of pain free clarity (I think) so I wanted to thank everyone for the prayers and well wishes. I can't name them, but I sure can feel them. It's a feeling of cozy warmth, as opposed to menopausal heat, and it's a very creamy sleepiness, as opposed to total exhaustion. The thoughts in my head are soft and coherent, as opposed to desperate and loud, and my body is not totally pain free, but IS content to sink into my chair comfortably while I ponder and pray. Thanks to you all. Thanks Heavenly Father!

Emotional Devastation

Darling Darien: I had an experience last night that has left me so emotionally devastated that I can hardly stop shaking long enough to type this, but I want to tell you before it fades into the background, which I hope it will. I had spent three tough days with a severe cluster of migraine and had been immobilized with the pain and the strong pain medication. Around 9 pm last night Papa came to bid me goodnight when I told him that I had pain in the back of the right lower leg. Papa examined my leg and found what he thought might be a long thrombosed vein. You must know that he was an ENT specialist and was out of his area. But we both suspected a thrombosis because of the pain, the long immobilization and the feeling of a strand in the leg. We both knew that that is a potentially very serious, even life threatening problem. I asked him, "What do you think?" He told me to get dressed, we were going to the hospital. Within a couple of moments we were in the car and on our way to the hospital. During that short ride I started several sentences with the phrase...if this doesn't go well... And since what we were afraid of could be life threatening, and/or life ending, there was a discussion as to whether we should pursue treatment at all! I'd rather go sooner than later if I can go quick,but Papa insisted we continue on the to hospital.

Darien, during the rest of the ride to the hospital I saw us having a tea party like the one pictured above, but without me present. And, if things went wrong your mommy was the only one I wanted to come, if she had time to make it. But mostly Darien I was thinking of the things you and I would miss out on and for the first time in a very long time I wanted to stay here and be with you. Yes, I want to die easy, but not if it robs us of precious time together.

Long traumatic story short...Papa and I misdiagnosed what was happening, but the doctor assured us that without the ultrasound they took he very well would have reached the same conclusion we did.

I was given the opportunity in those few moments of impending doom to thank Heavenly Father for the experience and promise Him that I would search for the meaning, or the lesson, or whatever enlightenment I might get out of it. He knows best, and I love Him, and I will give Him thanks in all things!

A Trip to Dairy Queen

This was taken about 2 weeks ago. After going to the park to learn how to swing (another post) Papa treated us all to what Darien calls, "Red Ice Cream." It's actually vanilla ice cream with a cherry red topping, and Darien loves them.

When I look at these pictures and see that darling heart dress I think about how when I bought it for her it was way too big, and now it fits perfectly. She is growing up so fast. Most people take her for being 5 years old instead of the fact that she's not yet 3 1/2.

The other thing that catches my eye (how could anyone miss it), and that is the hair in her face. We've been trying to let part of it grow out and we're doing a really bad job with it. Today, finally, Nana just chopped off the bangs so that we can see Darien, and Darien can see out. What a difference manicured bangs make on a little girl's appearance.

I believe this to be noteworthy as well. Darien eats her 'red ice cream' in a very specific way each and every time she has ice cream. She licks the ice cream down until it is level with the cone. Then she removes the paper from the bottom of the cone and starts eating there. Eventually there comes a point where she can't hold it anymore so she hands it to Nana, and...she's done!!

Cats, Warm Sheets, and Telephones

At my house this is what you get when you have 2 cats, warm sheets just out of the dryer, and a need to set them somewhere so you can answer the phone. I'm such a softy that I let them stay in the sheet and snuggle all that evening and night. That's Tasha in front and the black and white kitty is Josie. They are just precious to me! Darien, on the other hand, has growled at them since she was a year old, and she still does it, and they still run and she stills howls with laughter when they do.

Can you find the Smiley Face?

Now this I found funny. Is it an international statement she was making? Is it possible she has no idea? Does she have a sore throat and she is using her butt board to give her traditional salutation? I don't know, and probably never will, but for this moment in time...it made me laugh and I thought it was funny!

Time for a talk my precious Darien!!

So, as things change I like to keep you informed Darien. The current change to my life is that I am being inundated with serious and persistent cluster migraines. We are running out of medications to take. Within a span of three days I became allergic to both Fioricet and Morphine (or allergic to the compounding agent) so now we only have a new medication that doesn't work very well, or Demerol, which works great but is prone to bringing seizures to diabetics.

Today I was forced to cancel my cruise next month and my entire trip to California. In the letter my doctor gave me to give to the cruise line in order to cancel my cruise, she gave the reasons as 'Uncontrolled diabetes requiring insulin titration, uncontrolled headaches requiring narcotic medications, hypertension, and liver disease.'

I am so sad, but I don't know how to express it. Betsie Ten Boom said to give thanks in ALL things. I've already to been able to thank Heavenly Father for the changes and I'm already getting answers that might make this cancellation a blessing. Anyway, I'm working on it! I'm pretty good at looking on the bright side, but I haven't come close to feeling the anger and sorrow that the entire trip has been cancelled. It's not like I can say, "Hey, no problem, we'll do it next year!" There may not be a next year for me.

Not to be read by those that are easily offended!!!

So why would I post something that could be deemed offensive? It's simply this...Darien, age 3 1/2, often says things that are funny, but they aren't politically correct because she doesn't know what that means. So, if you are faint of heart, or easily offended, please don't read this. But if you were ever a fan of 'Kids Say the Darndest Things', you might enjoy it.

Might as well start at the top! Darien and I were having breakfast at the local IHOP. In the booth behind me were two men having a conversation, in a tone loud enough to be heard by most of the restaurant, about the difference between the 'body of Christ and the assembly of Christ'. I was hoping to keep the conversation with Darien lively so she wouldn't catch on, but, I failed. Pretty soon she asked, in a too loud voice..."Does Jesus have a body?" I answered that yes He does have a body. She thought for a second in quiet contemplation...and then she asked, "Does He sleep naked?" I could sense that the man directly behind me was turning his head toward me, so I turned to 'meet him'. Sorry, I said, in a very 'isn't she darling but sorry if that offended you' way. He was not amused and asked in quite a dogmatic tone, "Does she know Christ?" I responded, "She's getting to know Him better all the time!" Again, he was not amused, but the fellow he was sitting with, and I, did share a bit of a chuckle.

Our second story takes place that very morning and in that very IHOP. Our waiter was, well, for lack of a better term, extremely gay. He seemingly used is as an adorable bonding tool between diner and staff. He was, in a word, adorable!!! He flung his hands and arms around as he talked...he laughed whenever he said something that was meant to be funny, and it make Darien and I laugh with him...and not at him. He was the kind a guy you just want to take home to be your best friend. Now Darien could only assume that we were playing some kind of game. Our waiter was no ordinary waiter. Well Darien decided to join in on the fun. So, when he had taken our order, and in that over the top precious affect of his, he asked if there was anything, just anything, anything at all else he could bring us? Well, wanting to play the game, Darien raised her left arm and pointed to her armpit with her right hand and said, "I would like some cheese for my armpit." I stated to laugh. Our waiter was lost, and Darien looked at me as if to say...was that right, is that how this game goes, that was funny right? I turned to the waiter and said, "She's three," and that seemed to smooth down his feathers, and I told Darien that she was sooooooo adorable, and set her mind at ease, and the worst part was that I couldn't laugh out loud and long like I wanted to.

And now to our last story. This one took a while for us to pick up on, but we've come to the conclusion that Darien thinks Barack Obama is a word that means a black person, as opposed to the president's name. We discovered this as she would call any black man on television Barack Obama. Then, the other day she saw a black man in Target and she yelled Barack Obama. We live in a very white mid-western town and there are very few ethnic people that live here. For instance you wouldn't see a person with an ethnic background in any given week/month here in Fort Collins. I'm not sure I know how that evolved, but it did. So anyway, we started testing Darien. The doctor that was the last to treat Michael Jackson was on TV yesterday, so we asked her who it was and she answered that she didn't know who it was, and then said Barack Obama as if it weren't his name but his label. Is this story funny? Well, only in that it's so fascinating to experience how a 3 year old thinks. I realize that we have some teaching to do with Darien on this subject.

PS...Darien starts 2 day a week Pre-School today. She is SO excited.

Hi Darien: This is what hangs over your darling tea table. You see, at one time I had planned to retire from my lucrative business career and open a 'tea' themed bed and breakfast. I was so very sure that it was going to happen that I started collecting things to be used as decorations, door signs, tea signs, etc. Then came the illnesses and that dream had to be put aside forever. I kept a few of the things I had purchased and here are many of them assembled in this one arrangement. Three of the teapots on top are called 'tea for one'. The top part is the teapot which brews the tea, and it sits on the teacup. I wanted guests to be able to take a cup of tea to their rooms and have it stay hot, and this is a great way to accomplish this. There are some mini tea pieces on the shelf, along with a tea pot paperweight purchased in the store in Berlin, OH. The signs for 'tea' and a couple 'patisserie' were painted specially for me by a talented lady in Buena Park, CA. I ordered these from her on EBay. I guess the best thing I could say is that this grouping is the best representation I have of what I wanted my bed and breakfast to look like and/or feel like.

Darien's Tea Table

Here is Darien's Tea Table. Nana got Darien the table and chairs for Christmas and I got her the lace tablecloth and porcelain tea set. We make improvements to this table everyday, so this picture is already dated. Darien has thrown many tea parties and birthday parties for her animals, and particularly her stuffed kitty, Baby Josie. I have some darling faux cherries and strawberries that Darien likes to serve at her parties, along with some faux frosted sugar cookies. It warms my heart to see Darien getting so much use out of this tea table, and becoming so fond of the tea party experience. I hope that this will be something that she continues throughout her life.

Family History

Dear Darien: I want to tell you about the things in this cabinet, and where they come from. Some of these items may find their way to you when you are older and I want you to understand their origins. So...let's start on the top of the cabinet. Draped over the cabinet is a green lace tablecloth that I bought in Berlin, OH (Amish Country) and the crocheted pansy pin I made. I wanted something other than the raw top of the cabinet to be seen as people descended the stairs.

Now to the top row, moving left to right. The first thing is an antique butter churn that belonged to your great, great grandmother's family. It is a 'dazey' butter churn and in time, it could potentially be quite valuable. The lineage goes like this: you, your mother Janelle, your grandfather Wayne, your great grandmother Ruth, and your great, great grandmother Bertha Isaphene Gentry. Berth Isaphene Gentry, who when by the name Isaphene, was my grandmother. She died when I was 10 years old of heart disease that had plagued her most of her life. The next thing is a doll that I purchased in a craft show somewhere many many years ago. For about 15 years it was in your great grandmother Ruth's bedroom, and she gave it back to me when I moved here to Colorado 3 years ago. Next to that are two Matrushka dolls (Russian stacking dolls) purchased as gifts for me, from Papa, in a Russian store in Estee's Park. The closer of the dolls is very unique in that it is a bell, which is quite rare. Next to that is a photograph (me, Nana, Janelle, Jenna, Darien) taken on a Girl's Weekend in Estee's Park. It was our first Girl's Weekend and your first time in a hotel, and you had a great time. Those are very sweet memories. And, even though it's been over a year since then you still remember the name of the horse we rode (Bam) and that one of the other riders fell off his horse and hit his back on a white rock. Next to that is a Victorian style pitcher and bowl that I bought about 15 years ago. I just adore it. I made the doilies that things are sitting on in this cabinet.

The middle row starts with a painted bucket that I bought on EBay several years ago. In it are doilies that I have made. Next to that are four more Matrushka dolls. The pink one, and the tiny turquoise one, each have a total of 10 dolls, which is amazing. Kris bought me the tiny one at the Los Angeles county fair. Jeffrey bought me the pink one while on his travels in Russia. The other two were also gifts from Papa from the Estee's Park store. Next to that is a Seraphim Angel that I treasure. My Aunt Carolyn (Great Grandmother Ruth's youngest sister) gave that angel to me several years ago when I visited her in Indiana. I adore my Aunt Carolyn. Though she is my mother's sister, she is closer in age to me than she is to my mother (her sister). She had a hard life, but she has the sweetest spirit, and is easier to laugh than anyone I have ever known. If everyone in this world were as non-judgemental as her it would be more like a heaven here than life a hell. Whoever gets this angel, please treasure her as I treasure my Aunt Carolyn. Next to that is a Victorian Tea Light that I adore. I have several of them...and next to that is a darling frame that I purchased specifically to decorate with pictures of you darling Darien.

And now the bottom row. The tiny pedestals were purchased in the same store in Berlin (pronounced Burr-lin), Ohio as the tablecloth on top. They house small hand painted antique porcelain cups and a tea pot. The doll in the middle I have had since I was a teenager and I just recently dyed it with some strawberry tea. It was bright white and now it is the most delicious shade of dusty rose. I made the crocheted pin that sits in her lap. Then another Matrushka doll that Papa gave me, and then a precious oil lamp that I bought in Ohio Amish Country at a somewhat famous general store. These oil lamps are used in many Amish homes as their only source of light. However, the trend to switching to have electric light powered by generators. And lastly, there is an antique candy dish that I purchased in the artisan town of Lebanon, OH. I have always loved antiques Darien and I hope you will treasure these antiques as well. Most of them will be left to you, with my love.

The Basement

Hi Darien...here is some more of the space that we have shared. This is a look at my basement family room from the door of the kitchenette. Most of what you see on the far wall is newly downstairs. The green bookshelf, the yellow chair and footstool, and the dresser are new to the downstairs. Nana is redecorating upstairs so we got some of the benefit. Also newly downstairs is your tea table and the little sofa. The blue sofa and chair and the end table and coffee table I have had for a long time...and still love them. By the way...that's a trick I've learned that has served me well...learn to want what you have and not what you don't have or can't have. I love everything you see in this picture, and don't need anything else. OK, if I had three decorating wishes I would 1. paint the walls, and 2. get new carpet. I guess number three would be for the bedroom. At any rate, now that we've moved your things down stairs we are truly enjoying my little corner of the world more. I'll do close-ups tomorrow...too tired today!

MAD MEN

Darien, my favorite television show starts it's third season tonight and I'm really excited. There are very few shows that I watch on television...because they are so stupid, and poorly executed. This show is clever, and very well done. And, it's something your Uncle Harold and I have in common. This is a love it or hate it show...there's generally no middle ground. When all is said and done I'll buy the collection for you. It will help you understand who I am someday down the road. Love you Darien!!! P.S. MAD MEN stands for Madison Ave. Advertising Men (circa late 50's/early 60's).

Boots, Shoes and Sandles

This is my kind of sandal...

I would wear these boots in a heartbeat...

I see these with a long flowing gown...

Definitely an everyday shoe...

I would buy this but end up never wearing it...

I want these, but my pocketbook does not...

I may hate these...I can't tell yet...

I especially love the roller skate!

Sweet 16 Party Shoes...

Just in case I turn into Barbie, or Paris Hilton...

This is who I see myself as on the inside...

I'd buy them and end up giving them away...

All they had was yellow...

Pink roses...need I say more?

I love sandals, shoes of all kind, and most especially boots. So why don't I wear shoes? Two reasons, oops there's a third. 1. I have nerve damage in my feet caused by diabetes. 2. My perfect size 7 1/2 feet are now a size 9 due to fluid retention caused by cirrhosis. 3. I typically can't afford them. So, when I'm running around almost everywhere in my huge inappropriate slippers...now you know why!

ME

Have you ever gone to bed feeling like one of these characters, and woke up the next morning feeling the exact same way? Welcome to my world...migraines, morphine, too much or too little sleep, too much or too little insulin, can't remember if you ate or not, what day is it? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Not really...just painting a picture...

Reflections

If you want to know what you LOOK like, you look at your reflection in a mirror. If you want to know what you ARE like, listen to a child who doesn't know they are being listened to!

Darien doesn't take a nap quite as easily as she once did. She's more reluctant these days. On Friday, when nap time was announced, she declared, with a smile on her face, that she was NOT going to take a nap. The smile disappeared when I assured her that she WAS going to take a nap. In a last ditch effort to delay the inevitable, she gathered up every stuffed animal she could find, and loaded them in the bed with her. I gave her a kiss, after which she promised me she would not go to sleep. That's fine I told her...just so long as you rest for a little while.I left the room and she began to talk to the animals. She didn't know I was in the hallway listening to her. She picked up one of the animals and began to talk to it.

"It's time for a nap. I know you don't want to go to sleep, but you have to. Put your feet down. Stop kicking the blanket. I'm serious! OK, THAT IS ENOUGH!!!" I don't say "That is enough.", so I can only assume that I was hearing Janelle or Steven's voice.

She picked up another animal (a fox) and began to mimic me. "Do you want to get ice cream this afternoon? Are you listening? Fox, did you hear what I said? Fox you need to answer me. If you want ice cream this afternoon you are going to have to take your nap. OK? Fox?" It drives me crazy that I know she hears me but she won't answer, and she knows that it drives me crazy. I sound a little desperate don't I. It's like looking in a mirror.

The last little incident I heard was when she picked up yet another animal and began explaining something she had just learned...that Papa was a doctor. "Did you know Papa was a doctor? He has a little boy and he fix his neck. He push like this (I can only assume she was examining the animal). This how Papa do it. You OK? I fix you just like Papa."

There were so many other things she said that I have already forgotten. I'll try harder next time...I know I've forgotten the best ones! This is the picture she saw that morning when she discovered Papa was a doctor!!!

Kitchen

Hi Darien: I want to introduce you to the living space we occupied so very often...where we played and sang and danced and had tea parties, and so much more. It may be very different when you are older. So here is the beginning of an accounting of the basement a la Jan! This view is from the Family Room looking in.

This space was unfinished when we moved in. It was divided into three rooms...my kitchenette, my storage room, and Papa's ship shop. A dear friend of Dad's helped him install all of my kitchen cabinets, sink, plumbing, etc., and Nana painted the walls a pale pink for me. Dad and I spent hours at Home Depot purchasing all the elements, taking measurements, etc. It was really fun.

I guess my favorite part of the kitchen is the glass rack under the high cupboard, over the sink.

I also love faux food (on the double cake stand) and real candy. Being diabetic I don't eat much candy, but it's always been a comfort somehow to have candy around.

This view is from the storage area looking toward the door that leads to the family room. Papa put down the tile you see here. It is beautiful with a deep red/burgundy rose in the middle. It's just so 'me'. Darien, you love to watch me do dishes here, and you know that in one of the low cupboards in a 'treat' basket that you are allowed to raid from time to time. You've always loved sweets, a little. Typically you take a piece of candy, take a bite or two, and you're done.

And now, lest you forget that this space was an unfinished basement...

Here is the big reveal. Again, this would be the path from the family room, through the kitchenette to the storage space...behind that door, and on to Papa's ship shop. I love my little basement kitchenette so much that I literally don't see all the plumbing and pipes and tubes. I think the entire little room is just adorable, and it brings me great peace to have it available to me.

She Will Remember Me

If I may, I'd like to get a little philosoical here for a moment. Forgive me if my thoughts seem scattered before I can bring them together and make sense of them. The purpose of this blog is to leave a remembrance for Darien of the time we spent together between the time of her birth and my death (my prognosis was a few months to a few years, and that was 2 years ago). I want her to remember me. For reasons I can't fully explain to myself, I want Darien to remember me.

Shifting gears a little...I have two medical tests next week. The first one requires a little sedation. I get nervous. One of the reasons I get nervous is that I have had two traumatic experiences with medical treatments and tests. Both involved the statement that 'I would not remember.' Best example: Two years ago I was having a liver biopsy. I was told I would be sedated and not feel anything. It's an invasive procedure. So, with IV in place, the nurse began pumping in the medication to put me to sleep. The doctor, simotaneously began the procedure. I protested that I was NOT asleep and could feel significant pain. The nurse continued to pump the medication, never so much as looked at me, and said in a disconnected manner, you won't remember. I protested again...this was very painful, there had been no local numbing of the skin, and I was supposed to be asleep. This time she spoke to me in an exasperated much louder tone...you won't remember. Well, obviously I do remember, and I'm telling you about it now. WOW...how many times have I been treated that way while having tons of surgeries and tests over the past three years, that I actually don't remember?

Here's my belief. If my conscious mind has had these experiences and doesn't remember, then either my uncouscious mind and/or my body DOES remember, and at some point, it affects me...positive or negative I would suppose. Just as the experiences I had as a child are stored in my uncouscious memory and/or my body. It just makes so much sense to me. It explains so much about the life I've had.

I remember a dear friend saying to me, when her daughters were 5 and 6 years old, that she was trying to watch what she did and said, because her daughters were getting old enough to remember. She was 1/2 say kidding, but she was 1/2 way serious. The statement blew me away. She was a precious, loving, nurtering mother that any child would be blessed with. My circumstances were different, and I firmly believe that the are 'imprinted' within me, my mind, my body.

Getting back to Darien. She Will Remember Me. It could be a smell, a word or phrase, a certain store or experience...and this is all that may come to her conscious mind, over the time she grows up. But, in that eternal part that we all have within us, she will remember every word, every hug, every laugh, every smile. Since the day she was born I have consciously treated her every second as though she would remember it 100%, and I think after all this time I'm finally understading why. It's true, that's why. I'm so grateful to have been blessed with this recognition.

Darien, Papa and Jan at the Farm

Yesterday morning, after a really good breakfast at Perkins, Darien, Papa and I went to our little local 'Farm'. Darien has been here many times, but loves returning as often as possible. She had her second and third birthday parties here, which she seems to remember well, and it's easy entertainment for $2 per person admission. We were there a little over 2 hours and she was ready to go when we left. She ran herself ragged!!!

Darien's favorite activity, by far, is feeding the chickens.
She names each chicken and rooster and then calls them by name. These chickens are fierce. When they spot a kid throwing feed they RUN in that direction in mass. It scared me a couple times but Darien just loves it!
Here are Darien and I attempting to feed the less than patient goats. We were warned when we bought the food (25 cents per scoop) that the goats will rip the entire bag of feed out of the kids hands, so protect your feed bag!

Darien loves this tractor. It's hard to get a turn sitting on it all by yourself, and we were lucky yesterday not to be walking in rhythm with the crowd. Darien got it all to herself for several moments, twice!

When the kids turn the steering wheel the front tires actually turn!

As Papa feeds the sheep, Darien climbs on the fence. This is her second favorite thing to do!

She's not particular. Any fence and any view will do...it make me a nervous wreck!
This little guy sat by Papa and ate his lunch while Papa was resting on a bench.As we were about to leave we discovered this pump, which I hadn't realized before today, is a working pump. All of us gave it a push or two with no result. Then a little girl, about 10 years old, came up and pumped for all she was worth and out came the water. Darien tried to duplicate what she had seen, but alas, she was too little. Papa pumped it for her a few times.
Below the pump was this little stream. I'm not sure the establishment appreciated it, but I had Darien take off her shoes and walk in the water, on the rocks. She was very timid at first but soon she saw she could do it, and then I had trouble getting her out...
What a glorious morning we had!!!

Answered Prayers

This is to offer my heartfelt thanks to my dear friends Kris, Linnea and Plaid for their prayers and for many others that helped carry me through this past weekend. I was able to spend some wonderful time with my Aunt Barbara and all my family Saturday evening, Sunday, and I was up for one last hug goodbye when she left early this morning. There has come a 'quiet' to my body that is so welcome and that has been the center of so many prayers.

Nana is off to California for a couple weeks so dad and I and Darien are going to paint the town 'red'... so far we've talked about it... That's all!

Except for a couple medical appointments this week, we just want to celebrate these hard fought for blessings, and no one has worked harder than my dream team...my Heavenly Father and my dear earthly father! I am truly blessed!!!

Prayers Please

Prayers Please. I've been so very ill this past week, and my beloved Aunt Barbara will be here soon to visit and I need 2 days to visit with her and then I can be sick again. If you are willing please ask that I might be well enough to visit for 2 days. Thank you, and blessings to you as well, whatever they may be!

Laura's Wedding

This past Friday night was Laura's Wedding (re commitment ceremony...they have two beautiful sons). Much to my sorrow, I was not well enough to attend, but wanted to include the memory for Darien. The wedding was casual, but Janelle wanted Darien to wear this precious dress I got her last time I was in California. She looks absolutely adorable. Papa is always pleased to show off his precious great grand-daughter!!!
Here is Laura showing Darien the beautiful wedding bouquet. Aren't they beautiful!!!

And here is Laura with her love...Nick. Aren't they beautiful??? Everyone I've talked to told me what a beautiful ceremony it was and that the party (including a pot luck dinner for the family) was great. As the story goes they danced into the night and ended up at a beautiful suite at the Hilton called the 'Romeo' suite.

So, Darien had a ball and was truly tuckered out when she got home. She spent the night here so mommy and daddy could stay and dance and enjoy the party a bit longer. As Nana was getting her ready for bed I asked Darien if she liked the party and the wedding and she replied in a somewhat forced pitiful tone that "She got stickers in her feet." Nana confirmed that she had taken her shoes off and ran off the path into a sticker patch. Isn't that just so typical!